2009 is almost over. It’s gone by faster than I could have expected. I’ve had some good times, and made new friends, and I’ve had disappointments, and arguments. I’ve laughed until I cried, and I’ve cried until I’ve fallen asleep cried some more, laughed and wiped the tears away, and moved on stronger than before.
With 2009 coming to an end, it brings along the end of my first semester as a freshman in high school. In 2010, I’ll be turning 16 and starting 10th grade. Which has really made me start thinking about what I want to do in collage. In one way I feel like I’m thinking about this too early, but really I’m not. Well, I’m not sure what to do. I want to do something I love, I know that much. I think that’s what we all hope for.
I considered doing something with drawing, and while I’m a fair artist, I’m not great and I’m best at cartoons. And while I enjoy wasting a half an hour or so drawing or painting, I don’t want to do it as a job. I’m never going to stop my doodling, I do it all the time but I’m just not going to do anything else with it.
I considered doing something with cooking. And while I do thuroly enjoy cooking and eating the food I make, its something I mostly enjoy to do for my family. They’re my Ginny pigs when it comes to new recipes, and they always will be. I love cooking, but its something only my friends and family will taste. Because, as much as I love to cook, I don’t want to be a chef.
I love writing, I love acting and directing and designing costumes and sets, I love film and photography. And these are the things I want to focus on. I’ve thought about them a lot, and as much as I think about it, I know I’m never going to get tired of these things.
I’m in the middle of writing about three stories. Focusing on one which is at about 55,000 words. The other two I write some parts sometimes but I try to not focus on to much at once. I considered being a newspaper writer or whatever you want to call it, but that’s not the writing I like to do. I like to write stories that you get lost in. I like to write something you curl up with on the big comfy chair (you know the one that everyone seams to have in their house) next to the window with a blanket and a cup of coffee on a cold rainy day. Something you want to go back to and read over again for the plain joy of reading a story, and not something that might get posted on the fridge for a while until it gets splashed with water and taken down. I love stories. And that’s what I want to write.
I love the theater more than anything. I’m not sure why. I told my mom once it’s my roller coasters. I absolutely hate roller coasters, but I’ve heard people that like them say they like the rush of wind and speed, the sickening feeling of the ground going away and your stomach being left behind. And than, you just feel the thrill of flying threw the air. And that’s the best way I can describe being on a stage too. I lose my stomach upon seeing the crowd and feeling nervous. But than, once I get into the roll of things, I just feel like I’m flying. Hearing the audience laugh and love the show just as much as you. And you know all the work, and all the time, and all the effort you put into the play, has paid off.
Not only do I love being on stage and acting, I love back stage. In its own way its crazy. People tend to forget about all the tech’s but they are just as important as the actors. There was this one quote that said: “Techs. Without us you would be naked singing very loudly on a bare stage. In the dark." And its funny but true. I have so much respect for all the tech’s now its crazy. I’ve teched for a couple of shows. One I was just a rent-a-tech as we called it. I was an actor in a different play and they asked for me to help tech. I was just a stage hand than but still. The other show I teched in was a musical with a billion props, I was the Prop Master. That was a pretty crazy job but I enjoyed it.
It’s not only the straight up teching that I enjoy and respect but it’s the costumes, makeup, and sets too. I would even really enjoy being a costume, makeup, or set designer. All things that I love a lot.
Now one of the things I haven’t necessarily had practice doing, but I know I would love is directing. Cuz that kinda pulls all of the theater things I love doing into one.
I also love the filming and photography half too.
My goals seam crazy. I don’t necessarily want to go to Hollywood and make it big or anything, it’s the simple aspect of theater that I like. The shear amazingness of taking a plain stage filling it up with lights, colors, costumes, and a story.
I’ve always looked at my older brother and thought that he could do anything he wanted. Be whatever he wanted. He is always the person who’s good at everything. The person who surpassed me in playing piano (which I have been doing for a year an a half) in 2 weeks, by teaching himself. The one who looks at the math problems I struggle with for ever and says “X=2” and is right. The one who win’s everytime we play board games. The one who seams to know everything. I thought, he can do anything and he knows it. But the other day, he was talking to my mom about his major and he said he wasn’t enjoying the major he was working for right now. When my mom asked him what he wanted to do instead, he shrugged and said that he didn’t know. Because the things he wanted to do most where crazy and unreachable. Isn’t he the one who can do anything? I wondered. So for a second it made me stop. If he can’t do what he wants, how am I ever going to be able to do what I want?
But than I realized, I’m not him. I’m not going for the same goals as him. I’m not taking the same path. I’m my own person. Doing my own thing. Having my own dreams and goals. And I’m not going to settle. I want to do what I love. And I’m going to work as hard as I can to do what I want.
I’m not sure what exactly or how exactly I want to fulfill my goals. I just know, that my heart is in the theater and always will be. I could do other things, other jobs, but that’s not what I want to do. I don’t want to settle. I want to do something I love. I don’t want to look back at life and know that, for my job, I could have done something that I loved, but didn’t take the opportunity. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do anything with theater, but I know, if I have the chance, I’ll take it because that’s what I love. And I know if I do, I wont have any regrets.
I hope I get the chance. But for now, I’ll learn what I can, and hope and pray the right doors get opened. And if Theater really is what G-d wants be to go into, I know he’ll open the right doors for me.
